Dads and Partners Mental Health Matters
When creating my Beyond Birth Guide, I was keen to include all parents and caregivers because in my professional view, and my experience as a parent, we are all part of the process. From conception through birth and parenting, the mental wellbeing of both parents (if there are two parents), is valid, vital and necessary to bring them together so they don’t feel segregated into “the mother” and “the father/partner/carer” camps. This is a time to bond people, not highlight their differences, and when it comes to mental wellbeing, we are all unique, because we all have a different life-story that has shaped us up to the point of conception and beyond.
Naturally, it’s a mother that bears the brunt physically and there are differences in her mental experience to that of her partner, and that is drawn out in the guide I created. However, I feel that now, more than ever, we have to see the bigger picture and take control of our mental wellbeing in preparation for pregnancy, birth and parenting and this can help to prevent us from falling too deeply into depression and despair, or at least help us to recognise when we are on the way down so we have the courage and understanding to communicate that we need help, or can use the skills learnt in preparation so soften the passage through the curveballs of early parenthood.
We live in a society that has largely removed it’s “village” network of support for new families. So we are increasingly having to find ways to help ourselves, under more pressure overall than before. Jobs are more demanding, both parents have to work to pay the bills, theres more debt, and families live further apart. With this in mind, we are more isolated than ever and feeling it under the facade of “coping” with it all alone. Lockdown has shown us that parents need connection, and with that real life necessity removed, many have struggled with their mental health.
Unfortunately, suicide is the number one killer in new parents and this number is on the rise. So in my view, prevention is so important, and the more we dig our heads in the sand and pretend it’s not happening, the more tragic losses we will have. So what can you do to help yourself, or help your loved ones and colleagues?
I spoke to Mark Williams from Fathers Reaching out about his story, his “why” and the incredible work he does to raise awareness internationally, that Dad’s and Partners matter too. Mark is the co-founder of International Fathers Mental Health Day and the hashtags #DadsMHDay #howareyoudad. #IFMHD
You can follow him on Twitter here: https://twitter.com/MarkWilliamsFMH
Here are my top tips!
Maximise time off
Try staggering your return to work if you can
Life as a couple: There are so many ideas and tools to help in the Beyond Birth Guide, but most importantly, having an understanding that your relationship will change, possibly for the better, however, with tiredness, birth recovery and now a baby (and all the gubbins) in between you, it will help to be more mindful of new ways to find intimacy and support.
Lowering expectations and being super sensitive are a bonus.
Talking: you may find it hard to talk much, but keep the communication going; keep it light if you can, and remember that laughter triggers an endorphin response.
Closeness: sometimes, words are not needed. A hug, a smile, eye contact and a hand-hold may be all that’s needed.
Expect stress and tiredness levels to rise, and your normal ways of coping after a long day, changed. Try to counter-balance this by taking it back to the basic things you enjoy, talking to friends, gentle exercise or walking to clear your head.
Connect with your baby; now is a perfect time to have skin to skin with your baby, carry them in a sling/baby carrier, massage or bathe them. Explore their little fingers and toes, the softness of their skin and make eye contact with them as you gently get to know them in your own time, your way..
Expect that you will have differences of opinion from your partner, but be prepared to listen to them too. They will be super exhausted and may not be making sense to you, but they will be instinctually navigating a new terrain and there’s no manual. Respect that you may disagree over the best path to take at times.
Tiredness and vulnerability can be ugly at times. Expect the worst in this case and it may not be bad at all. Take the baby from your partner and encourage her to rest as often as you can. She may be trying to do it all herself to take the pressure off you, but will get exhausted quickly this way. Try and find a balance for you both. Nurture your relationship and think of novel ways to enjoy time together. Tip: it’s the small gestures and the little things that matter. Document this time so you can look back a year down the line and beyond, and feel connected and nurtured again and again.
Eat well. Cook or order in nutritious meals and treat yourself and your partner. Now is an ideal time to drop standards slightly, get cosy and shut the world out for a while.
Don’t be the hero: if you try to do it all and overload yourself, you will burnout. That’s a fact. Also, do your best not to “compete” with your partner about sleep, or “me time” etc. Things can get toxic quickly if this happens. The huge “To Do” list for a perfect everything can wait.
You may need to drop some of the extra-curricular activities you’ve been doing to show solidarity/team-work. Same goes for booze and smoking. Cut back as much as you can. You will reap the rewards in the long run. This doesn’t mean stop having fun and seeing friends, but accept the fact it can’t be how it was. Your partner needs your support - even if it doesn’t feel like it at times.
Find a new bunch of mates. Connect with new parents that have everything in common with you at the moment: a baby!
Recognise your little achievements every day. Come from a place of gratitude and avoid wishing things were different somehow. This is it. How it is right now. So instead of fighting it, comparing with others, or feeling disappointed in the things that haven’t gone how you expected, do what you can to reframe those thoughts and feelings. Be present, aware and in each moment with a sense of gratitude and awe. It helps to write things down when the thoughts and feelings become overwhelming. Failing that, talk it out.
Sometimes it helps to talk to a pro: someone who can hold non-judgmental space for you to be heard. You can feel emotionally held in those moments and let go of any pent up worries or fears you feel you can’t discuss with your partner, family or friends. Getting support this way is not a weakness, it’s a strength and a sensible, caring thing to do.
If you need to talk, or would like to find out more about what’s available to you, then please get in touch. I’m happy to help. sophie@themammacoach.com