International Fathers Mental Health Day
Why Paternal Mental Health Matters and what I’m doing to help raise awareness.
Today is International Fathers Mental Health Day and I want to do my bit to help break the stigmas around mental health and educate all parents, to protect and preserve their mental health using simple, effective mental wellbeing practices.
With 1:10 Fathers experiencing Post Natal Depression and 1:5 struggling with their mental health in pregnancy and the first year after birth, isn’t it about time we did more? I certainly don’t want this for my son’s as they become parents.
I am the mother of 4 boys and our pregnancy, birth and postnatal experiences have been far from textbook. My husband has supported me through traumatic birth, post natal depression and PTSD. He has witnessed things he never imagined in his worst nightmares and all along has had to be a rock, earning a living to support us whilst I did my best to contribute in any way I could. He has been made redundant twice in our 16 years as parents, first in the recession of 2008 and recently in the COVID-19 Pandemic.
When I ask him how he is, he says, “I have to be fine”. But I know he isn’t. So I have done what I can to show him what I know about mental health and wellbeing and for now, it’s keeping the wolf from the door. Problem is, I’m his wife, not his therapist, but he feels so much resistance to going to therapy and infact talking to anyone else about his troubles, that it comes down to me to “listen” and that is not always easy. I know Ii’m not alone in this, and there are many partners doing their best to be there and listen, but actually, this takes a toll on the relationship and add’s pressure and stress to the person holding space.
So why am I sharing this?
Well, I wanted to point out that even when we help to break the stigma of getting helping with our mental health when we are in need of it, often it’s so ingrained and conditioned in men to “just get on with it”, “man up”, “take it on the chin”, etc., that just understanding that iut’s okay to reach out simply isn’t enough.
So what do we need to do about it?
In my view, employers could help to normalise therapy by offering it regularly to all staff. A space to talk it through with an impartial ear is often the tonic that’s needed to give clarity and hope again.
Secondly, all people in pregnancy could be psycho-educated about mental health and wellbeing and shown simple, effective ways to preserve their mental health. Just like I’m doing with Beyond Birth: Before Birth, we demonstrate how feel-good and necessary it is to use daily mental wellbeing practices, and how connecting it can be for parents and baby too, including the family unit as a whole. This can then be continued with some hand-holding in group or 1:1 sessions either online or in person where parents see others taking advantage of being held accountable for this, and doing the same for themselves daily. This in turn helps to model to our children who grow up seeing practices like using affirmations, journaling or meditation as normal ways to help themselves when they are feeling stressed or having a “low day”.
Thirdly, that we focus more on mental health education and normalising mental ill health in schools. We remove the “man up” or “loser” status from any gender and show ways to care for all aspects of health as being necessary and normal to survive in this pressured world we inhabit.
What can we do now to raise awareness? #5adayforPMH
I started a hashtag campaign to make it easy for people to think about and share their daily mental wellbeing practices. It’s #5adayforpmh and the “P” stands for Parental, Perinatal, Paternal and Positive. It asks people to think on a practice 5 things a day for their mental health. Just as we are conditioned to take care of our physical health by eating 5 portions of fruits or vegetables a day, then we can do the same for our mental health. And even better, the secret in in the INTENT. That’s the beauty of how the mind works. How its connection to the body really helps us to feel better just by thinking better and proactively doing more for ourselves at times when we may be doing something that could potentially be beneficial, but are mindless about it.
For example, walking to work can be mindless and a chore, however, if we pay attention and mindfully notice how we walk, the environment and how it makes us feel, we can reap the rewards. Or another example; having a shower, we do it daily, but what if we paid more attention to the sensory elements of it and used it as time to cleanse in more ways that one?
So, I asked my husband to list his 5 a day, and like me, he said that his changed every day, and that it’s worth having an imaginary (or actual) cookie jar of practices and ideas to call upon depending on what you need from day to day. So at the moment, his go-to’s are:
Tranquility (even if it’s popping on the headphones and listening to chill music) for 10 minutes
Reflection - journaling or thinking, “where am I at and what do I need?”
Gardening - mindfulness in it’s essence!
Watching Nature - bird watching (ha!), or admiring the flora and fauna in detail.
Talking - keeping the comms going with family and friends
What would your 5 a day be and will you share to raise awareness?
International Fathers Mental Health Day
Mark Williams (pictured here with my Book), is founder of International Fathers Mental Health Day and has campaigned relentlessly for the past 10+ years to get Fathers Mental Health taken seriously. I am in awe of what he has achieved! He is a friend and colleague who has contributed to my book and is an author himself of several books on Perinatal and Paternal Mental Health with Dr Jane Hanley and also a novel about his story, called “Daddy Blues” which has been made into a film. Wow!
Join Mark and Dr Andy Myers in their quest to raise awareness using the hashtag #DadsMHDay and #IFMHD.
Taken from PostPartum Support International:
“Although most of us—men and women alike—are socialized to think of men as providers of support during the perinatal period and early parenthood, a wealth of research shows that 10% of new dads experience paternal postpartum depression (50% when mom is depressed!) and tend to need support of their own. However, the stigma against experiencing difficulties in early parenthood is even higher for men than for women. Society views men as stoic, self-sacrificing, and above all, strong. When men feel none of those things as new fathers, they don’t want to admit it or seek help.
For this reason, Postpartum Support International is an enthusiastic supporter of IFMHD as a means to take a whole-family, father-inclusive approach by shedding light on the best practices and related resources for dads, their partners, and those who support them.
Founded by paternal postpartum depression survivor Mark Williams and fatherhood mental health expert and PSI board member Dr. Daniel Singley, IFMHD involves taking the day after Father’s Day to launch a focused social media campaign which highlights key aspects of fathers’ mental health.”
Scott Mair has trained with me to become a Beyond Birth Mental Wellbeing Practitioner. He is a father to 7 sons and has witnessed 3 traumatic births and experienced post natal depression himself as well as supporting his wife with her own mental health struggles. He’s an inspiration! Here is what he says:
My name is Scott from PMH Support.
I have experienced paternal mental health and I have also supported my wife when she has experienced PND after a traumatic delivery. It was a few years before I really was able to understand what I was experiencing due to lack of awareness surrounding paternal mental health and to the stigmas associated with mental health and lack of support available. I wanted to help change this. I work with families and organisations to help offer advice, guidance and to help educate them as they embark on this journey into parenthood.
Earlier this year I trained to become a Beyond Birth practitioner as I knew this holistic approach would benefit the whole family. I have been give the tools to help others develop an understanding and importance of mindfulness and to show how this can be used in every day life to benefit the whole family.
Mindfulness has a positive impact on your emotional and physical health giving you the tools to keep a balance.
Mental health is as important as physical health.
I am very inclined to agree! It’s an honour to have Scott in the Beyond Birth Collective with us and I’m looking forward to working with him to help Fathers and families globally with their mental health. Watch this video to see why Beyond Birth is so helpful for Scott and Dad’s and Partners now.
For more information and top tips for new fathers and fathers in general and more video content with Mark Williams, see my Blog on Dads & Partners… x
For my book, go to Amazon
For additional training in Fathers Mental Health, see Perinatal MH Training CIC (i’m on the board) for a great new online course.